Just feels right...

Happy Summer!!


I feel like we have been going 100 mph since Kylee got out of school..We are just now settling into our routine. 
So here is an update..
Nick and I both had out chromosome testing done and everything came back normal. Great news!!! Although it doesn't get us any closer to an answer as to why we can't get pregnant but it eliminates another possibility. 
With those results we have made a decision..one that for the first time in 2 years I am confident about..We will wait and see what this next year brings us. My body, family and my heart need a break from all of this. The thought of starting another cycle scares the crap out of me and I honestly don't think mentally I can handle another one, let alone the possibility of a negative result. 
I started acupuncture in April so I will continue to do that and hopefully drop some lbs in the meantime. I am really looking forward to not timing cycles, ultrasounds, blood work etc.. I feel like my body is going through withdrawal of some sort, I have been on hormones on and off for about 2 years and I am a slight mess trying to get back to normal..Sorry Nick!
I am going to try and update more than once every few months..anyone still reading??


C.

Stuck

It sure has been a while..months!!! Not sure if anyone still keeps up with this anymore but if so then here is an update. To start...we did a second round of IVF in February, with a negative result. Another crushing blow to our journey.
My Dr's response..I am at a loss. She referred us to a Dr in Colorado. Why Colorado, they are one of the best in the nation.
I had my phone consult this past Friday. His recommendation, a chromosome test, add vitamins and anti-oxidants to our diet along with another IVF cycle...in Colorado.
We are at the point now, 2 years in to this process, where we are stuck. Do we cut our losses and put the rest of this journey in God's hands or do we go to Colorado and try this all over again..
What we have decided to do is go ahead with the chromosome test. Once the results are in we will know what to do.
Thank you everyone for the love and continued support.

C.

New Year

It has been a while..November! Can't believe Christmas has come and gone and now New Year's has come and gone. I have been dreading the new year but really looking forward to it for a few reasons. I am mostly excited to have a fresh slate. Going into the new year positive and hopefully a lot of positives things will happen for us.
We still have all of our Christmas decorations up and I don't want to take them down quite yet. Is that bad? Something about Christmas that brings me peace with a lot of things. Just wish we had more room in our house for everything and I honestly think I would keep everything up till Spring.
Here are a few pictures to sum up the Holiday...

Gingerbread houses are really so much harder than I thought..

Happy New Year!!

November

It's been a while again...

Since there is nothing happening with our journey for baby #2 at this moment I feel like I shouldn't write anything. 
After the new year we will TALK about trying.. I have a lot of questions for my doctor and I
am not going to lie I am extremely scared. The shots and gaining weight suck but I can deal with that. It's what we went through after that.
Losing the weight is really hard though. Is it because I am 31 or is it the hormones I was injecting into my body?? Either way I hate being a chubbier version of myself. Some day this will be all worth it..

It's for real

We have been talking about it, wondering when is the right time to do it and I believe we have made our decision...
We are planning a trip to Disney!!!
I am so excited for many reasons. But most of all to see Kylee's reaction and her excitement will be priceless. I think she is at an age she will remember it and enjoy every second of it. 
We were waiting for the arrival of our 2nd child but we soon realized after miscarrying that we don't want to plan our life around "when" something is going to happen.  We need to live our lives with what we are lucky enough to have at this moment. If we are blessed with another child then we will just have to plan another Disney trip :)
We are planning on next Fall/Winter. We are talking to an agent about packages. We got a few prices and it really is not as expensive as I was expecting. We have decided we will drive down though. We will need a rental car and airfare is just so ridiculous. We will save quite a bit this way. Our trip to Disney as a kid was a road trip and it was so much fun seeing all of the different places.
So excited!!!

Ignored

I feel like this poor blog is being ignored. I wonder if we still have our #1
stalker. Sorry the updates are so few and far between.
Things are getting better. I am still not ready to even consider IVF again.
Wounds are still healing and Nick couldn't be anymore understanding. He
definitely gets it and I am so thankful for that.
We went on a date on Friday night and we actually talked about it without
me getting as emotional so I guess that is a step in the right direction.
I still have the ultrasound picture on my dresser. I am not quite to the point
of putting it away. I feel like if I put it away at this point I am shutting the
door on my feelings and I have to let myself heal before. I will get there.
We are lucky to have our Ky and she keeps us busy :)

October

I looove this time of year. We have been to the apple orchard, pumpkin farm and the cabin in the past month.  

Kylee is doing good in school. She is having a bully problem on the bus. The principle has gotten involved so hopefully she won't have anymore troubles.
Halloween is this weekend. I have Saturday off and I can't wait to sleep in... although because Kylee has newborn sleeping habits it's impossible to sleep past 5:30 or 6. :)
Sycamore has the Pumpkin Festival this weekend. So before trick or treating on Sunday we are going to the parade.
Can't wait to spend the weekend with my family!

Heartache

The last few days have been hard. I don't know why now, but this is tough.
Everywhere I look there are babies or pregnant women. I am so extrememly jealous and sad... The question I ask myslef  is, why us?? Why are we being punished? And then the million dollar question, why does shit like this happen to people that can give a baby the love and care he or she needs and there are these ahole people that pop them out like it's nothing and suck as parents.
I know someday it will get easier but right now it hurts...my heart just hurts.  

It has been a LONG 3 weeks since we got the positive test but the dreaded day we were waiting for after hearing we would miscarry has passed. I had no clue what to expect and to all the women that have gone through a miscarriage let alone multiple miscarriages my heart goes out to you.
Thank you to everyone for all of the love and support. All of you are truly amazing!!

hubby

I am not too much of an emotional guy.  This has been a tough couple weeks.  I haven't showed much emotion about any of it.  I think that I am trying to keep myself busy by doing softball or doing more at work than i need to at that moment or anything of that nature.  This is the primary reason why I didn't want to get too excited or too attached to this thing growing in Carli's tummy.  If you get too attached then this makes it way harder then it already is going to be. 

We made a mistake by telling more people then needed to know.  Now saying that I don't regret any of it, and everyone at least knows what we are involved with.  The questions to Carli have slowed to a snail's pace which makes it a lot easier for her to cope. 

I know that it didn't have a heart beat, and that it wasn't a "baby" yet, but it was on its way.  We were pregnant, and we did everything right, it just didn't keep developing at the rate it's supposed to.

I told Carli that I liken this to someone who is attempting to do the splits.  Every day that we stay on track and do our "stretches" we are that much closer to our goal of the splits (baby!)  Until then we are going to take some time off from baby stuff.  We are going to post as much as possible, but it will be a little more sporadic.

Corn Out!

Looking up

It has been a rough couple of days. Tuesday was awful, yesterday was better and today.. Well it's a new day.   
I think that the year and a half of negatives and heartache has helped me cope. I am terribly sad that this has happened but also very happy that IVF worked. I feel that is a huge step in our journey and it's not over yet.
I know it will happen for us and honestly have never felt more positive about it.

Sad, sad day

Today I am 6 weeks and had our 1st ultrasound. Although everything is where it should be sadly it is abnormal and I will end up miscarrying.
I stop all medication today and let my body naturally do what its supposed to do.
My levels are continuing to rise so I go back next Tuesday for more blood work to make sure they are dropping. If they are not dropping we will have to go the medical route to miscarry.
After a year and a half of this I am done. I am not sure how much more heartache I can take. The thought of doing this all over again makes me want to run away and never come back. So I am taking that as a hint to give myself a break, enjoy and be thankful for what we have and try not to dwell on what we don't.
Someday it will be us, it will be perfect and worth the wait.
Right now that thought seems impossible...

Hubby

When there are so many days in between appointments and news it's difficult to find things to write about.  Well it's not difficult to find things to write about but it is to write specifically about the pregnancy.  This has been a nice weekend because we have been able to keep our minds off of it for the most part.  Friday we went to the apple orchard right after I got home from work.  As we were driving back we realized that we had forgotten to give Carli her shot, so we rushed home to do that.  After we ate we went to Kylee's future HS to watch the homecoming game.  Needless to say I haven't been to a HS football game in over 10 years.  It was interesting.  Kylee got to watch the poms and cheerleaders for a while.

Saturday Carli worked most of the day, which I don't really like, but we don't have much of a choice being low on moola.  We ended up going to my brothers after she got done and had a really nice night there.  Kylee got to spend some time beating up Shannon, and Vanessa laughed so hard I thought she peed a little.  I got an atomic wedgie that ripped my underwear.  Good times.

Today Kylee has been sick, which is no good, but I think it's just because the weather changed so much in the last week.  From 80 degrees to 40 to 65 to 35.  It's been nuts.  We went to lunch with a bunch of people and that was a good time.  Can't beat $0.50 tacos @ MVP's. 

Tuesday is the big day.  We will know a lot more Tuesday.  However it seems like they every time we go they say, well this is what we know today, but we will know more by the next visit.  Then the next visit comes and they don't know any more, but keep saying next time!  It's been next time 4 times already damnit!  I just hope we know Tuesday like we were told before.  Her numbers are right in the good range, and lets hope we can see her sac with the ultrasound!

Corn out!

That didn't go so well

We met with the doctor today. Didn't go as well as we had expected.
She gave us 3 scenarios...

1. Everything is perfect
2. An ectopic pregnancy
3. Miscarriage

She said that my first level test was lower than she looks for and that concerns her. Although my levels have more than doubled every 2 days she still isn't convinced that this is a healthy pregnancy.
I go back tomorrow for another level check and an ultrasound on Tuesday.
Her words were harsh and it wasn't something that we wanted or expected to hear but it will help prepare us for whatever these results bring.

More good news!!!

9.23 Beta #1...17.6
9.27 Beta #2...111
9.29 Beta #3...292

Sooo great!!! My progesterone level is down a bit from last week but she doesn't seem to concerned at this point. Nick has been giving me progesterone shots since September 8 so if anything we might have to do 2 shots a day instead of 1. We shall see.
We meet with our Dr tomorrow for a post IVF consultation. We made the appointment after the retrieval and I can't wait to hear what she has to say.
When I found out I was pregnant with Kylee I never once thought about levels or how crucial the first few weeks are. But because they are monitoring me so closely and telling me everything that is going on I am sooo nervous. The Dr called me on Thursday and she told me my level was low but it was saying I am pregnant. She then told me that sometimes low levels indicate a un-healthy pregnancy that will ultimately end in miscarriage but that she has seen low numbers produce healthy pregnancy's and healthy baby's. So needless to say I am still really scared. It doesn't help that I am a worrier and stress more than I probably should but hey what can I say, I was blessed with that gene :)
I am still in shock that this is really happening. We have wanted this for so long and we are here. I am so thankful!!!

hubby

Still the shock has not really worn off.  The more people that congratulate you the more real it seems.  I'm shocked at just how many people are keeping an eye on the blog!  I'm really glad we did it.  Thank you to all of you for your support and for reading this.  It's great to know we have "readers" and "stalkers" (Kelly!)

Tomorrow is another appt.  Just another waiting game to see if the numbers are right!

Corn out!

OH HELL YES!! Hubby post

15 months of trying makes today really worth while. Today was a great day.  We had gotten like 5 positive pregnancy tests over the weekend, but to hear it from the Doc's office is an amazing feeling.  Other than the terrible canker sores today is surreal.  She does have to go back every couple of days to make sure her levels are where they should be.  If everything stays good then the question becomes.....Twins?

The weekend was a great one.  To be honest it's the first weekend we have had as a family where I think the weight was slightly lifted off our shoulders.  Everyone was in better moods, and things just seemed to go so well.  It felt like we didn't have anything to worry about for the first time in I can't remember how long.

It is also nice to know that both of our parts work the way those parts are supposed to.  We don't know if it was the boy parts or the girl parts that struggled and to be honest I think it's better that way.  All I know is that it's worked and things couldn't be better right now. 

Carli, I know you read this.....I love you so much!

Corn Out.......

The day I have been waiting for

$20.00 Co-Pay for each doctor appointment...
Re-arranged schedules...
Nick using sick days, personal days and vacation days...
6 & 7 am appointments in Highland Park...
Lots of tears..
All of these...

EQUALS THIS...

Although it is still extremely early and we need to be cautious the day we have been waiting for is finally here!!!



Today was the day

Was at the Dr at 9 to get my blood drawn. I had the phone call already planned out when they called me with the results at 3.
Went a little differently than I expected...Usually a nurse calls me and today the Dr actually called me at 1:45. She said well, I am thinking to myself how sucky it would be to have to deliver bad news like this. But surprised me with, It's not negative BUT my hcg level is low. Like really low. She said that she has seen pregnancies continue with low levels with no problem but we need to be prepared just in case it's low because something is wrong. She was concerned with the fact that the retrieval was over 2 weeks ago and the transfer was 11 days ago.
At the transfer she said that we were early blastocyst stage which means it had some more developing to do before our embryo implanted. So, Nick and I think MAYBE our embie implanted later and it's just too early.
So, I continue on my meds through the weekend and go back Monday morning for another check. I feel so good about this and bad news or good news this is a huge step in our journey. 
In the 16 months we have been trying we have NEVER had a positive. I could not feel any better about where this is going.
And I am the first to admit how wrong I was with knowing what the result was going to be...
Positive thoughts and fingers crossed this is it!!!

I hate this part

The last 16 months have been a roller coaster but the worst time of every month is the few days before "the test" and I know my body well enough to know what the result is going to be...
Staying positive those few days is absolutely impossible and I am exhausted from feeling this way.